Prologue
I’m almost thirteen years old and am still living at home. But I’m planning to be long gone in a few years. Then I can start doing everything I ever wanted.
I’ve tried to remember the most important things so far, starting with when I was really little. I know Rainbow Ghost wants me to. But I’m still not sure why. Maybe between now, which is 1965, and when I’m all grown up, I’ll have so much to remember that it will all make sense.
Chapter 1 — Banshee
Six Years and Four Years
I remember the banshee from when I was little. It was after Mom came home from her breakdown and I saw my first movie at the theater. The banshee jumped out of the screen with her shiny blue and silvery white jolts that sparked out of her. She screamed forever with her witch magic, and you knew it would tear your skin off if you didn’t close your eyes and plug up your ears all at once. I peeked just a little through my fingers.
That night after the movie, the banshee came in the girls’ bedroom. I was almost asleep when she started screaming. Her shrieky screams grabbed my skin and shook me till my eyes popped open. I saw her there in the corner, waiting for me. Then I slammed my eyes shut. She threw out a big jab of lightning that went all the way through me. It was sharp inside my chest and made an achy thud.
I just had to look at her. So she wouldn’t go anywhere else. So she wouldn’t come over to me. She crouched in the corner and stayed put, except for a few streaks of lightning. Finally, I went to sleep. When I woke up the next morning, she was gone, but I knew that banshee was real, even though I could see it was just some wadded up sheets sitting in the corner. She came to get me every night for a long time. She jolted me sometimes and scared me so bad I almost wet the bed, but she never got me.
I didn’t see another movie again for a long time. And it wasn’t because I told anybody about the banshee because I wasn’t that stupid. I’d never get to do anything again if they thought I was a crybaby from watching a movie. I wasn’t really was sure though, that I wanted to see another movie. That screen was too big, and it was so loud you couldn’t make it stop if you tried.
But I wished I could go again at least to see the colors. They were so shiny bright. Not like any colors you see in real life. It’s too bad that banshee blue was wasted on a banshee. Because it was the most beautiful blue I’ve ever seen. Anywhere. It wasn’t like the sky or like water or even like blue Easter egg dye. It was so much shinier than real, I knew it came from some secret place that was more real than anything in my regular life. A place where lots of things hide.
It was like that shrieky lonely feeling that you get when everyone forgets you and it feels like you’re just a big puff of nothing. That kind of thing happens all the time at our house. I felt it even before Mom had her breakdown.
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The first time I had that shrieky feeling was when I was about four years old. It was the day they started digging the big hole for the new house.
The new house is on the other side of the driveway, across from the motel. Dad works on the new house all the time, but it’s so big it might take forever for him to finish it. Till then, we have to keep living in our part of the motel. I just hope we get to move in before I grow up and leave home, so we can live like regular people for a while.
We had lots of company the day they dug the pit for the new house. So it was already like a holiday. Grandma Stoltz, Dad’s Mom, was visiting, plus some aunts and uncles and a few of their kids. Everyone got up bright and early to start work. Dad, our uncles, and all the boys got to go outside. The girls had to stay inside and cook.
Flora, Mom’s twin sister, gave me the potato peeler and an apple so I could help peel apples for pie. I didn’t get to use the paring knife because I wasn’t five yet, and you had to be five to use knives.
Mom made some buns from scratch while Grandma Stoltz made the pie crust. Usually Mom was the one who made the crust. I heard her whisper-hiss to Flora when no one else could hear, “There’s no way I’m going to compete with his Mother on something as sacred as her damn pies. I wasn’t born yesterday.”
All my older sisters helped the grown ups and took care of the babies, so they weren’t underfoot. I was just old enough to not be underfoot. Georgina, my oldest sister, made the heavenly hash salad. It was everyone’s favorite. Usually, we only got it at Thanksgiving and Christmas. It had fruit cocktail, mandarin oranges, bananas, marshmallows, and lots of whipped cream. I peeled the bananas.
All that cooking was supposed to be for the men who were outside digging the huge hole in the ground. Dad’s brothers were all tall and strong like Dad. Uncle Frank was the handsomest but also the scariest because he got mad so easy. He was married to Flora, Mom’s twin sister, and they had lots of kids too.
Finally, when it was time for lunch, I got to go outside and see what those guys had been doing all that time. Two men I’d never seen before were eating sandwiches by a big muddy bulldozer that was down inside the hole they were digging. I felt the ground rumble. A huge dump truck was driving down into the hole. Not even a speck of me was scared to go chase that truck. I ran behind it down into the hole.
The dump truck man was pulling out his lunch on the seat. I walked over to see what he was eating. He had his shirt off, and the muscle on his arm was as big as Daddy’s, only tan. He looked even more handsome than Uncle Frank. He smiled at me and said, “How’d such a pretty girl get down here in all this dirt?”
“With my feet.” I looked down at the fresh dirt that came half way up my legs. He smiled again, and I could tell he liked me even though he was a stranger. I said, “Can I come up?”
He said, “Sure,” and reached down to swoosh me onto his lap. His stickery black mustache tickled the back of my neck, and I almost fell off his lap from giggling and being shaky excited. I hoped I wouldn’t get in any trouble for sitting on his lap. I got to hold the brown shiny gear knob and put my hands on the black wheel the way my brothers did on our tractor. I was as strong as any boy! Maybe I’d even get to help him drive it when the truck got full again. Then he said, “You better get on down now. I need to get some things done before they start up again.”
I said, “I’ll help. I’m a good helper.”
He said, “You can help by going back inside so I can get some work done.”
“Please?” I looked right at his face. It was so big and close I could see the little holes in his skin.
“Naw, I don’t want you to get hurt.”
“I won’t get hurt. I’ll stay right here.” I wiggled a little on his lap.
I was afraid he was going to get mad, but instead he just picked me up and plopped me down on the ground. I could smell the sweat from his arms. It was like Daddy. He said, “Why don’t you save me a place right beside you at dinner?”
“Really?”
“Yeah. We’ll be done in a few more hours.”
“OK. I’ll save you a spot. I promise.” He was going to sit by me at dinner. But I still didn’t want to go back inside.
Then Georgina hollered down to me to leave those guys alone and climb up out of there. I did, but it was real slow on the way up. When I got to the top, I lifted up my arms to her, and she scooped me up.
She said, “You know you’re getting too big for me to carry you.”
“I know. Just for now?” I sat on the edge of her hip and watched the bulldozer man start up the engine. Then Georgina carried me inside.
I told her, “The dump truck man likes me, and I get to sit by him at dinner.”
She said, “Yeah, he’s a cutie all right.” I knew I did good.
It was a long time waiting for dinner to be ready. By the time my sisters started setting the table, I was yawning and rubbing my eyes. Mom told me, “You’re tired. Why don’t you go and take a nap before dinner starts. It’s still going to be a while.”
I said, “I don’t need a nap, and I’m old enough, Mommy. I’ll help you some more too.”
“There’s no telling how long it’ll be before dinner. You go on and take a nap, and I’ll wake you in time.” She was saying it like she didn’t want any monkey business from me. So I started walking to the bed.
As soon as Mom started talking to Flora, I ran as fast as I could into the coat closet in the kitchen. It had a long curtain to hide all the junk. Its floor was covered with piles of coats, sweaters, shoes, and old toys. I dug myself down into the pile, so only my head was sticking out.
I’d stay there until dinner was ready. That way I wouldn’t miss anything. I peeked out and watched them put dishes, glasses, and silverware on the table. I could hardly wait! But it was so dark and warm inside the closet.
Next thing I knew I was waking up. It was dead quiet in the kitchen. I was yawning, and my stomach was rumbly from being hungry when I remembered the big dinner! I climbed out of the closet and saw the table. The dishes were dirty, the food was eaten, and it was almost dark outside. What happened? Where was everyone? I started screaming crying, “Where aaare you?”
Dean, my older brother, was walking through the kitchen and saw me. He came over, shoved me a little and said, “Where were you? I was looking all over for you before dinner.”
I ran howling into the living room looking for Mom. Some of the kids were playing Monopoly on the floor. Mom was on the couch combing Maureen’s hair and talking to Flora.
“Mommy, what happened to dinner?”
Mom looked over at me kind of sharp and said, “What is it?” She yanked through a tangle and Maureen, who was just a little older than me, yelped.
“Dinner, Mommy. It’s all gone!” My voice was real loud.
“Well, of course it is. We ate it.” She slapped Maureen on the bottom to say that her hair was done.
“But what about meeee?” I was starting to yell.
“What’s gotten into you anyway?” She was getting mad at me.
“The dump truck man. Where is he?” I tried to not scream.
“Why, he’s gone. They’ve all left.”
“Him too?”
“What about him? I told you, everyone but family left a while ago.” She turned away from me like she was going to talk to Flora again.
“You said you’d wake me! And now everything’s gone!!” The sad and mad in me was exploding into sharp pieces of lightning. I wanted one of those pieces of lightning to come right out and kill Mom dead. See how she liked that! I screamed, “You promised! It’s all gone!!”
Mom didn’t die one bit. She just said, “You just settle down young lady. Or else. I’ll not have you shrieking at me like that. You sound like a banshee.”
The lightning jolts did settle down. Into hard little rockets that kept shooting around inside. I knew I better not let even one of them come out my mouth, or I’d get slapped. They could still come out my eyes though. But instead of being mean nasty rockets, they came out crying.
Flora tapped Mom’s arm and whispered something in her ear.
Mom looked back at me and said, “It’s too bad you missed dinner. I told one of the boys to go get you. I guess they didn’t do it.” I could tell she didn’t care one bit.
“Couldn’t you see I was gone?” I was scared before I even said it.
She sort of laughed, “I guess I didn’t realize it until just now.” Then she turned to Flora and said, “Does this kind of thing happen to you, too?” Flora laughed just a little.
Every last rocket was gone, and I started wailing from so far inside it scared me even more. Because something was gone inside. It made me shiver so hard I stopped crying. Then I looked up at Mom and saw the way she looked at me like I wasn’t even there. Like I didn’t feel one thing. Like she didn’t even know who I was. And all I could do was try to hate her as hard as I could. And she probably didn’t even notice that not one speck of me loved her anymore. I knew she’d forget. I knew! I started crying again and ran out of the living room.
I went outside to see if any of the work guys were still there. It was pitch black except for the lights by the tractor where Dad and his brothers were smoking and laughing in German.
I went back in the kitchen, looking for the heavenly hash bowl. It was empty. I licked some of the plates where there was still some whipped cream left. All that crying made it salty. Flora came in and told me, “Don’t be doing that. You’ll get God knows what kind of germs. If you stop blubbering for a while, I’ll fix you something to eat.”
She gave me some leftover mashed potatoes and gravy, which was too thick from being cold, some ham, which was OK, and peach pie, which tasted pretty good. But I couldn’t stop blubbering. I asked Flora, “Didn’t Mom even know I was gone?”
She patted me on the shoulder and said, “Your Mom has a lot on her mind, Tracie. She didn’t mean to forget you. You’ll understand some day. When you’re older and have your own kids.” Then she walked back into the living room.
I sat by myself and stared at how dark it was outside. The yellow curtains with little orange flowers grabbed my eyes and were too bright. I looked back at the black some more. I didn’t want to go in the living room with everyone who didn’t even know if I was there or not. Even the dump truck man didn’t notice I was gone. And I thought he liked me! All I knew was that there wasn’t one other person in the whole world who remembered me. Maybe I wasn’t really there. Maybe that’s why they forget you, because you’re not really there anyway. Maybe you’re made out of thin air, and that’s all. Maybe you’re just a ghost inside with a banshee swirling around you.
I went to sleep that night and wet the bed. I wasn’t a bed wetter either, since I hadn’t wet the bed since I was a baby. But I felt so cold when I woke up and that pee coming out of me was so warm I couldn’t stop once I started. For just a second, I could see why someone would turn into a bed wetter. Because it felt so good. Then the bad feeling of the blackness outside the kitchen window came swooping back, and I knew there was nothing good about anyone who ever wet the bed. Now I was just like all my other bed wetter brothers and sisters. It got worse when the cold feeling came back into the bed.
All I could do was roll myself as tight as I could into my warm Indian blanket and try to make the shivers stop. They did. Kind of. But there was this feeling in my brain that made me dizzy. Then it’s like I was falling down a tunnel that made me even dizzier. All that whooshing of wind blowing into my ears was so loud! I tried to cover them but couldn’t because of falling too fast.
Finally, I landed. I must have fallen asleep. Everywhere I looked there was sunshine that was too bright and rainbows that were jaggy and jolty. They were leaping everywhere and shooting through me. I didn’t like it at first, but after a while everything got softer. It was like I was a rainbow too. It was fun to spring and bounce through the air.
Then I saw someone who was completely rainbow. Her rainbows were soft and had more colors than you could ever imagine. She didn’t look like a regular person at all. She was like a ghost made out of rainbows and was so beautiful that I wanted to swoop her inside me and never let her go. I couldn’t do that though because even though I could see right through her, she was still a real person. And a real person can’t live inside you. Only you can. She told me that, even though she didn’t really say it out loud.
She came over to me and touched my shoulder. All of a sudden I wasn’t alone anymore. It was like all along I’d been so lonely I could almost die from it and didn’t remember how bad it was until right then. I started crying hard while she slowly wrapped me up in her rainbow self. Finally, I was all quiet inside.
Then the pee smell from my flannel nightgown floated up. I knew I was still icky, but she didn’t seem to mind. She sent me the smell of some new flower. It was a smooth silky smell that was also kind of wet. After a while, it seemed like it was coming from my own skin. Nice, nice, nice!
That smell floated into the sound of wind chimes. The way they tinkle in the summer when the wind breezes over them. It was her way of talking. I couldn’t tell what she was saying. Because they weren’t words. I felt her hand on my chest. My heart was like a drum, and she was making it thump. Nice and slow. I could understand something. It was like she was saying, “Re-mem-ber, thump thump.” So I’d remember something. And it was right in my heart. It made me strong too. She did it over and over again until I woke up.
The pee was even colder. But I had something inside me that made it so I could stand almost anything. I didn’t know what it was, but I could feel it inside and promised I’d do just what Rainbow Ghost told me. Remember. Only I wasn’t sure what. And I still had to figure out how to hide my wet bed so no one would find out.
It was Saturday morning so I could stay in bed with the covers pulled up until everyone else got up. Then I’d sneak out of bed and change my nightie before anyone smelled me. I wasn’t sure what to do about the bed. Maybe I’d let Billy, my next youngest brother take a nap on my bed and then get mad when he wet it. I wouldn’t get too mad though.